Dating, The Backup Wife, Writing

The Backup Wife (Part Three)

Strong, Independent Women need love too! I can’t stand hearing that I’m a strong, independent, black woman, and that I don’t need a man. Yes, I do. If he comes my way, I need him.

Dear Exes,

If you’re reading this, I’m probably not married, but all by means keep proposing because that world record hasn’t been broken yet.

With regards,

The Backup Wife

What makes a women desirable for marriage? Is she independent, is she strong, or is she just plain stupid? I thought about this on my drive home as I looked at my empty ring finger on my left hand. The last time I left you all, I was half-assed engaged to my long time ex-boyfriend Xavier* while wanting my current ex-boyfriend, Andrew* to step up his game and make me his leading lady. But, those jeans that are too tight between the thighs with a small hole in the middle; I had to throw both dudes in the trash. This was two years ago. I couldn’t believe it. It had been two years since I gave them both the boot and somehow I never felt freer. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they still try to contact me, here or there: Facebook, Linkedin or carrier pigeon, and even smoke signals. Quality women often have the hardest time finding their match and that’s because we either embrace trash ass dudes or feel like being independent is far superior.

As I pulled up into my parking spot of my apartment complex carrying a million books in my wake and a bag full of empty containers where my lunch used to be, I slip the key into the lock. Immediately, I dropped everything in front of the door and toss my black matte heels in the corner.

“Honey, I’m home!” I shout. The silence hitting me like a ton of bricks.

“Oh, that’s right! I live alone,” I say out loud with discouragement but then I think back to Xavier and Andrew. The phrase: I rather be alone than unhappy, sang in my ear and I rolled my eyes.

The last time I heard from Xavier was after he broke up with me. We went out for a less than a week. The distance meant were destined to fall apart. He had a choice to make, move in with me or risk the relationship. He chose the latter. I was the one with the apartment. He was the one living at home, being a college dropout without a job (but who’s trying to be petty rn?).

After the break up, I deleted any instance of him in my life. This included, and not limited to, all social media, email, phone numbers, and photos. There would be no crawling back because I simply wanted to be done. Although, like an untreated STD, he came right back with flare. He texted me how much he loved me and how much he was thinking about me. I screenshot it, sent it to my friends, and then let him know what was really on my mind.

I texted him: I don’t like you

….and friends, that enough to set him off


  • I don’t love you
  • This was never going to work.
  • You broke up with me so no backsies

Simply: I don’t like you…and that was enough to kill this man’s spirit. I was called everything underneath the sun from a bitch to a low-down dirty prostitute that should die. I’ll let that sink in for the faint hearted.

Rejection hurts. This didn’t even stop him from messaging me through other means. He still tried to contact me and find ways to talk to me. Some people just don’t know when it’s really over.

Andrew was more civil. He did the professional thing. He wrote me an email giving me well wishes. We kept in touch. He was a horrible boyfriend, not the devil. Although, at this point Xavier** may be the devil.

It took me two years to accept that just because people say you should get married doesn’t mean you have to. When I thought about marriage, it wasn’t about the perfect proposal or even the perfect man. It was the journey. Often times, we run into societal norms that tell women that in order to have clout, be important, or to be classified as a women you must first be married or on that path to. A marriage is defined by the people are in love. Never be someone’s second best or put yourself on a timeline.

As I’ve told my friends and loved ones, a woman like me doesn’t need to be married because she needs to, it’s because she chooses to. She is strong, both dependent/independent, loving, supportive, but most important that kind of girl is never alone, but you know…not settling isn’t easy, trust me, I know.

*Names changed to protect the guilty.

**Xavier is definitely the devil, my condolences to his future victims

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1 Comment

  • Brandon Sloan

    Sloan here….. I enjoyed your article. Surely, your an awesome writer.

    July 10, 2018 at 1:18 pm Reply
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